This blog page has become my refuge. When there is no one to tell my stories or share my pain, this page has become the base where I let it all out. Thank you if you are one of the readers of my posts. I truly appreciate you being there for me.
The days have been going on, I don’t have a finishing line that I can look forward to. I have moved from a state of hope to pain to hurt to hope again and now to nothing much. Yes, I don’t feel anything much nor know what to think or feel anymore. I tried this, that, everything that I have learnt or came across and nothing has changed. My life has not gone back to how it was or there has been any breakthrough moments. There are questions. Or rather there were questions. Why things have not changed, why me, why put me through this, where are you God, are you even listening, how could you watch me when I truly, faithfully still believe in YOU?
And this week as I prayed, all I could do was put my head down in humility, in utter hopelessness, giving up emotions and thoughts and just surrendering. I know not what to say or do to change my situation. I heard a voice inside me telling me to stop thinking, stop speaking and to stop my thoughts. As these were my thoughts so be silent and let Him speak. Let Him tell me what he wants me to do. Let Him speak through me and not keep going all over the place trying to figure things out. That this is no longer my life to decide but to Surrender my life to Him and let Him decide how life shall now move through me.
That was one huge revelation I received. I think this is the first breakthrough I have had in a long time on this journey. And I have been quiet, silently watching my life pass by these few days, listening to any messages that came through. I stopped asking for anything in prayer, not much of even praying but standing in front of God with my hands folded asking Him what should I do? So, I emptied it all, emptied who I am, not even caring to see myself as who I am, but to remove everything, to strip myself of my personality, my name, my origin and to stand completely empty and saying to Him, I am all Yours.
Isn’t that what God has been doing for me in the last many months? Everything taken down, people, friends and family, even my mom removed from me. This week I felt so, so lonely, so empty, hollow. Yes, hollow is the right word. Not even feeling human. It’s funny, when everything seemed empty, hollow, dry like a desert, dark and cold, suddenly the light emerges from nowhere.
The Wound is the Place Where the Light Enters You – Rumi –
And when all is silent, it is then that He speaks.
And when all is silent, it is then that He tells you what to do next.
Until you are silent, He does not speak.
This is the lesson I have finally learnt after going through this long, long, hard and painful road. A road that I chose to take.
I know it’s still a long way to go but I slowly see the light returning and boy, will I EVER be the same person again. Who I was before everything broke apart and who I am becoming now are 2 completely different person. It truly feels like a re-birth. Letting go and losing the personality, the person I was in this lifetime and who I am suddenly being created into is a different person. The way I see myself, how I see my life, how I see life in general, everyone and everything around me is a 360 change. As I stayed lost in this phase, something tells me it will be worth going through.
One day I am going to look back and smile knowing this hard, crazy, messy, hurtful and painful period of my life is what made me who I am. It was probably the best thing that had ever happened in this lifetime. Trying to go towards the light is NOT EASY and it is not for everyone. I truly felt like I had left planet Earth and all of humanity and was on a different planet by myself. And now do I come back to Earth and learn to live again but with lots of light and love?
We will have to wait and see. Somehow, it feels like things will be alright soon.
The Answers I Seek 